Profits up, readership down — hmmm

Dr. Ink offers advice, serious and humorous, to editors on a full range of problems and issues, journalistic and managerial. Questions may be real or hypothetical, and may be rephrased to protect personal or institutional privacy. Send them to Ask Dr. Ink, ASNE, 11690B Sunrise Valley Drive, Reston, VA 20191.

Dear Dr. Ink: What is the plural of chad? Chads or chad?

Answer: At this point, Dr. Ink, who has a life, could care less, but will do his best to conjure interest in this question. Webster’s Third New International Dictionary defines ‘chad’ as “small pieces of paper or cardboard produced in punching paper tape or punch cards. Also: a piece of chad.” Now Webster’s would have us add ‘s’ to make the plural. But herein lies a contradiction: the definition suggests a plural sense: “small pieces of paper.”

Dr. Ink has a theory. A chad is also a kind of fish. To form the plural also requires an ‘s.’ But people are using the word like they use the word ‘cod,’ which can form the plural with or without the ‘s.’ In other words, Dr. Ink doesn’t care if there are chad all over the place, or chads, and he resents this intrusion on his time and energy.

Dear Dr. Ink: I was glad to see the creators of the “South Park” cartoon feature have dropped plans to depict the daughters of President George W. Bush as lesbians in their upcoming TV series. But one tabloid publication did print an exploitative photo of one of the girls. It seems as if the informal agreement by the media not to intrude in the lives of presidential children already is not being respected as much as it was during the Clinton administration. Is there anything that members of the more responsible media should do?

Answer: The doctor is old enough to remember that he once thought the Nixon daughters were pretty cute, especially that perky little Julie. Although media standards have changed since then, a consensus has emerged about responsible practice. The test is always “relevance,” and this can be influenced by the behavior of the parents. For example, the Bushes did not use their daughters in the campaign. The young women don’t seem to be speaking out on issues. The more public their roles, the more open they would be to media inspection.

Dr. Ink almost used the phrase “fair game,” but that metaphor, the public person hunted down by the media, is at the heart of the problem. In candor, Dr. Ink is now old enough that he might like to see some exploitative photos of the president’s mother, that perky little Barbara Bush.

Dear Dr. Ink: It seems as if everyone is cutting back on staff. Any suggestions on which areas of a newspaper are more expendable in light of changing priorities in the business? The bean counters keep telling us that we have to rethink our business and not do things just because it’s the way we have always done it. Do you have any suggestions on how we could do with fewer people?

Answer: Dr. Ink remembers one of his favorite Seinfeld episodes, the one in which George climbs out of a cold swimming pool and, while undressing, is seen naked by a young woman, who giggles at the sight. In a panic, George blames his shortcomings on “shrinkage.” So, too, rank and file journalists have a history of blaming their own shortcomings on the shrinkage of manpower, travel budgets, news-hole, and other resources. The truth is, most journalistic failures are failures of imagination, not resources.

That said, Dr. Ink thinks that the suits in the counting houses have cut the fat, the flabby muscle, and are down to the hard muscle and bone. In short, they have turned profit making into profiteering. Has anyone else noticed that in the generation that newspapers have lost circulation, they have built enormous profits? Profits up, readers down, hmmm. Being a contrarian, the doctor says that, when times are tough, the paper should hire more copy editors, and double the training budget for everyone.

Dear Dr. Ink: Our reporters are bitching that they are being asked to record audio bites for the internet. They hate being called content providers. Can you think of a better way to describe the multi-task journalist?

Answer: Was Shakespeare a content provider? Just wondering. How about these names for a new breed of journalist:

• Roboreporter
• Cyberscribe
• Cybore
• Cyberscooper
• Cookie Cutter
• Mouse-keteer
• Portal-Let
• Cross-dresser
• Humpty-Dumpty
• AC/DC
• Yin/yang
• Task-master
• Wall Walker
• Mix Master
• Audiots